Wednesday 30 September 2009

Headlines With No Article Bodies

"How my sandwhich saved my life!"

"Two feet found hammered to cat."

"White people accused of producing more jam."

"Snow found hidden behind toilet."

"Health Minister denies existence of all cervixes."

"Votes gushied ahead of Lisbon referendum."

Thursday 24 September 2009

Happy Guinness Day, you drunken moron...

At 17:59 on 24th September (that's today, you twit), the world celebrates one of the most well conceived marketing ploys of the mighty Guinness advertising juggernaut. "Arthur's Day" is the new fake holiday that's set to rivatalise a brand that's become as stale as one of it's own at the end of the night after it being left on the floor beside the cigarette machine because it's owner was too flutered to wake up after falling asleep in one of the toilet cubicles.

Yes, every 1st-world commuting lad under the sun has already told his girlfriend / wife / Xbox Live team mate that he won't be home at the usual time. He's going to be part of a new movement, one that celebrates poverty of the pocket and soul, and live out the scenario that has been repetitiously image-beamed into his head - of compatriots-in-stout raising their glass and saluting the man who took all their money and made them that bit thicker. No doubt some moron will make it three times as unbearable by shouting 'To Martha!' right afterwards.

In fairness, Guiness is that somewhat more respectable draught. Many a Wicklow man I've met who could still have a sensible debate with me after downing nine pints of 'the black stuff' (no, not liquorice) in a single afternoon. Granted they'd have a big stupid grin on their face the whole time, but still, it's not the type of alcholic beverage that you'd associate with football hooligans, girls holding back their hair at the edge of the footpath, and Nicholas Sarkozy giving a press conference. It conjours up more images of your Dad in the corner, drawing faces with your finger tips, and that first child you had (going on the presumption that you're 60+ female who was fed the stuff via drip in hospital, as was recommended practice by the Genuinely Unassociated Intelligent .... oh, look, I can't come up with an acronym what spells 'Guinmess' and relates to a medical board. Just assume I'm funny. It makes life easier for everyone.

Anyway, whatever you do at 17:59 today, keep one thing in mind: Up Yours, Arthur Guiness, you rich, dead bastard!

Wednesday 23 September 2009

Bob Geldof discovered in landfill

The search for Bob Geldof sadly ended last night as police and emergency services responding to an inadvertently accurate prank call discovered his living flesh capsule (human body) in a landfill site near Brighton. Geldof was immediately rushed to the nearby St. Luke's Hospital where he was pronounced "Geld-off".

More to follow...

Tuesday 22 September 2009

Luas-Bus Aftermath: CIE Takes Revenge

RTE are blowing with a strong report today (about 45 mph) that CIE have extracted their revenge on Dublin Bus passengers after their glorious defeat in an effectiveness Vs. cost deathmatch, which was beamed towards retinal cones by the R520 earlier last week.

While people may speculate that the three seperate crashes in and around north Co. Dublin were mere coincidences, granules of salt truth were shaken from the mouth dispenser of one of the passengers, who managed to be served on all three courses of the crash meal. "I was thinking of what it would be like to crawl into the space for storing buggies and drape my jacket over the entrance, so that it'd be like a little fort where no one could see me." Passenger Relvas McStream continues, "All of a sudden the guy from the back seat came flying towards me, and the driver screamed, and I might be hazy on this because someone's arse was in my face, 'Clean and efficient rail transport can suck it all the way to hell!' "

When asked to comment, CIE spoke person George Condestiny spilled his hot chocolate over his trousers, and spent the remaining time drying his crotch under a hair dryer in the men's toilets before the R520 was asked to leave quitlely on the Dublin Bus Ghost Tour, which really is a lot of fun and is highly recommended.

Monday 21 September 2009

Stay Alive on 22nd September.... or die

Tomorrow, Tuesday 22nd September is EXACTLY Tuesday 22nd September. During this day, you will be alive (for the seconds we can count, anyway). I invite you all to stay living on this day by using the anti-death technique you're all familiar with - living. Pump your blood to victory by partaking in this zaplactic celebatron. Winners will receive prizes at the back of the men's toilets. (The prize will be a sign that says "Please Step in Teh Dog Poo", and there's a little finger-arrow to point down to wherever the chocolate canine surprise is).

Stay Alive... here

Thursday 17 September 2009

Weekly News Explosion

Like a young boy who just dropped his ice-cream, the R520 reflects on moments passed and wonders why we didn't take more of a firm grip on the 99 Cone of Reality:

- Everyone died - Yes, we lost one of our great hopes for Olympic gold, a chef, and an actor all in the space of 24 hours. Thank God no one important in the banking and finance sector died...

Mourners gathered in Afghanistan for the launching of the dead celebrities to the orbiting Plasma Dome of Famosity.

- Speaking of, the Irish government cemented a roulette wheel into our financial future after unveiling the details of NAMA, the Not Arsed or Motivated Anymore body of rules which has, in effect, rewarded the most flagrantly ignorant and reckless financial decisions in the last ninety years with €54 Billion of tax-payer's money. I wonder what I'll be rewarded with when I submit this year's tax return after wiping my arse with it?

- CIE and Veolia Transport sent their mightiest warriors into a two-way sardine-can smash-pact, with the LUAS emerging as the Supreme Victor of the Realm of O'Connell Street. Spectators demanded an immediate investigation of the result, asking such questions as, was it an electrics problem and what country were the drivers from? The losing No. 16 bus was transported back to the Phibsborough bus depot where it will be used as the flag-ship vehicle in Dublin Bus's new "E-Z Hop-On" service, which is already under fire from citics for forcing passengers through the one, permanent gaping "doorway".

- It's been discovered that trying to type a blog while "Night at the Museum" plays in the background is soul destroying. Never before has the human spirit been subjected to the most concious-tainting dross since people first began to find Robin Williams funny. Oh and here he is! That bastard has spent more on cocaine than I'll earn in my entire life. ... Boy I wish I was in that first paragraph.

Tuesday 15 September 2009

This Is The Last Thing On Earth Any Of Us Ever Wanted, Needed

God had a good chuckle today as he threw the failing human population a snake with an arm. Whether this was to scare us into action or to finish us off is still unknown.

The report was a news bullet from the gun of Lithuanian source, Delfi, straight to the head of humanity's dying hope. (Why did a Chinese woman report this to a Lithuanian newspaper? It's a Web 2.3 reality after all!)

Seriously - snakes with arms - we might as well just give up. Once our opposable digits gave us the clever advantage over their deathly poison glands, but now we're doomed to a future of cell apoptosis while being strangled, which will more than likely be the weekly highlight of some reality TV show where the ant-like humans are hunted down by a crack team of reptilian mercenaries who have long since taken control of our governments, cranes and bus lanes.

And only next week I was being given my certificate in table etiquette.... damn.


Bolster your pants because they found a 3 metre python in the River Slaney, Co. Wexford!! RTE have this one fully covered. I think it's safe to say that NAMA and Lisbon should be completely forgotten about, and all government and state resources should be focused on smashing every inch of this 8" circumferenced bastard to pieces.

What a day. What's next? Heh, Patrick Swayze dying? ... OH F-


Thursday 10 September 2009

Old Man Dies Peacefully For Second Time

For the second time in his death life death? life a 62 year-old man has died off his bicycle in the heart of Dublin City.

It is believed that the accident was caused by a wasp carrying some pasta, which the wasp found too heavy and dropped onto the cyclist's nonce-box somewhere in the region of his hair. Witnesses say that the impact was a low one, but that the then-living corpse swung his head about wildly, flailing his toungue like the flipper of an angry sealion in a desperate attempt to catch the morsel of wasptritus. Failing to notice the thousands of blades of grass in front of him, the spazclist wound up on the fat end of his pedal machine.

One of the witnesses, an American tourist, commented with "Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ! Who is this asshole?" before wandering of to play a game of frisbee with some men, one of whom was topless.

Upon contacting his wife for a comment, R520 members were told that "that Lazarus bastard can go bury himself".

The R520 will tomorrow hold a vigil in memory of the man, which will probably just involve me secretly eating a Snickers in the toilet so my wife doesn't find out.