Henry Celebrated for Initiating Era of Hand 2.0 Compliancy

Humans around the world welcomed in a new era last night, after French footballer Terence Henry dazzlingly smashed the crusty old rules of yester-year in a stadium packed with flag wavers and clothes wearers. In harsh times gone by, humans were relegated to the degrading habit of using their feet and hands for a limited and specific set of tasks, as was clearly defined by The Book of Appendages, which came from outer space and gave birth to the term "handy".


But not anymore! During the exciting net-filling festival, the Frenchman asploded the minds of many-a-man by usurping the over-lords of boredom and hand-pushed the football to his foot, before casually returning to old habits under no social or archaic pressures, and footed the spherical leather pouch to his team mate. Spectaters at the scene vibrated their larynx to maximum effect and waved their bodies in fits of agreement. The Irish team even halted their actions to inform the referee just how awesomely mind-blowing the whole incident was.


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"Ref! You won't believe what I've just seen!!!"

Irish coach Giovanni Clap-your-hands-says-Tony mimmicked the hand gesture from the side-lines, before turning to the bench and shouting, "IT'S HAND 2.0 COMPLIANCY!!!"

However, a furore has brewed in this Fisher Price tea cup. Many are asking for the event to be re-staged as not enough people captured reflected photons of light carrying information about the incident using their eyequipment. They hope that Mr. Henry can perform the same maneuver in an attempt to encourage more people to do the same. Hand 2.0 Compliancy is being billed as the "next" big "thing", and is something governments around the world have long been discussing, in an attempt to simulatenously move all levels of society forward.

Mr. Henry has extended his thanks to all those who support his actions, and has vowed to push Hand 2.0 Compliancy to the forefront of everyone's agenda by replacing his entire right arm with a giant hand. Henry will be spending the next two weeks travelling to disadvantaged schools where stunted children can share in the joy of signing his hand and showering in the sweat from his palm.


Henry - "Bastard"

Proof alone of why men should marry:

If left alone for too long, they end up doing pathetic arty skits like this. Come back, wife! I can't figure out where to cook my slippers!

Consider the following....

Since Ralph Feinnes has repeatedly gone by the same name for so many years, could he be condemned as a serial ralphist?

BIG TRAP TAKING KARATE LESSONS IN BID TO DEFEAT FRENCH NATIONAL TEAM, AVENGE DEATH OF FATHER

Had this to say in earlier interview,

"HiiiiiiEEEE WooooOOO YAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGH!!!!"

So this annoyed me...

Anyone about Dublin city centre yesterday may have seen some eggs sculptings dotted about the place. Yours truly noticed one beside Sean O'Casey bridge, and thought it to be hilarious to take a snapshot of brother younger vaulting the suspicious eggject. "Do not break it," I said, as he prepared the run and jump. One tweet latter, and I was on my way to missing a big opportunity.

Later in the day, DIT students appraoched their local miniature eggifice with 2001-esque trepidation, but rather than feed off any mind plankton, they smashed the object to reveal a PlayStation 3 console, theirs for the taking.

Adhering to their civic Web 2.0 duty, word spread via social networks, and soon every egg was relieved of it's encasing duty, showering armed and muscular savages with prizes.

Obviously a marketing stunt, but the question I want to ask is: what kind of behaviour does this reward or encourage? Answers on an electronic postcard, please.

Headlines With No Article Bodies

"How my sandwhich saved my life!"

"Two feet found hammered to cat."

"White people accused of producing more jam."

"Snow found hidden behind toilet."

"Health Minister denies existence of all cervixes."

"Votes gushied ahead of Lisbon referendum."

Happy Guinness Day, you drunken moron...

At 17:59 on 24th September (that's today, you twit), the world celebrates one of the most well conceived marketing ploys of the mighty Guinness advertising juggernaut. "Arthur's Day" is the new fake holiday that's set to rivatalise a brand that's become as stale as one of it's own at the end of the night after it being left on the floor beside the cigarette machine because it's owner was too flutered to wake up after falling asleep in one of the toilet cubicles.

Yes, every 1st-world commuting lad under the sun has already told his girlfriend / wife / Xbox Live team mate that he won't be home at the usual time. He's going to be part of a new movement, one that celebrates poverty of the pocket and soul, and live out the scenario that has been repetitiously image-beamed into his head - of compatriots-in-stout raising their glass and saluting the man who took all their money and made them that bit thicker. No doubt some moron will make it three times as unbearable by shouting 'To Martha!' right afterwards.

In fairness, Guiness is that somewhat more respectable draught. Many a Wicklow man I've met who could still have a sensible debate with me after downing nine pints of 'the black stuff' (no, not liquorice) in a single afternoon. Granted they'd have a big stupid grin on their face the whole time, but still, it's not the type of alcholic beverage that you'd associate with football hooligans, girls holding back their hair at the edge of the footpath, and Nicholas Sarkozy giving a press conference. It conjours up more images of your Dad in the corner, drawing faces with your finger tips, and that first child you had (going on the presumption that you're 60+ female who was fed the stuff via drip in hospital, as was recommended practice by the Genuinely Unassociated Intelligent .... oh, look, I can't come up with an acronym what spells 'Guinmess' and relates to a medical board. Just assume I'm funny. It makes life easier for everyone.

Anyway, whatever you do at 17:59 today, keep one thing in mind: Up Yours, Arthur Guiness, you rich, dead bastard!