Tuesday 25 August 2009

Twitter Spam - Web 0.4

So here we are, nearly 200 years after Beethoven's 9th Symphony, and nearly 50 years since we first sent a team of humans to walk on another celestial body, and still, still, there are people on the planet who have nothing better to do than to trick other people into some sort of scam that will earn its perpetrators a few pennies. In fairness, the originators of spam should be complimented on realising that 6,000,000,000 x 0.000001% is still a reasonable figure, especially if you multiply the answer by $0.02 (or whatever the hell the going rate for viewing an online advertisement is).

We all know at this stage that the Prince of Rhodesia has been ousted by a military coup, and he needs a Western bank account to deposit his Kingdom's savings and is willing to give a charitable 1% of his country's GNP to the account owner, but what we didn't know is that there are swathes of attractive young ladies who live locally, are scientists, and just so happen to have a huge interest in your daily life.

And so we enter the world of Twitter Spam, where these young sirens wait for you to discover the secret of their heart's desire, which is embedded in a Tiny URL, would you believe. I'm sorry to have to do this to you all, but here is the supremely sarcastic guide that shows you when to realise that the girl of your dreams is a 35 year old dude sitting in his boxers hoping to attract nothing more than 10 seconds of your idle time:

1) Hey, don't I know you? God, she looks just like that hot Indian girl from Slumdog Millionaire! What are the odds! She even went through the bother of dressing up for her profile pic like she was on TV, or something! Imagine what she'd look like on our wedding day! You'd look less suspicious if you sketched the profile pic with some crayons.

2) What a username! She was so eager to sign on to Twitter and get to know me she just mashed the keyboard with her presumably large breasts, or developed some script to generate the name for her (in which case she's a genius with a massive rack). Or maybe it stands for 'Easily Excited end Aroused 1' (she must have a South African accent - how exotic!). Otherwise, requires more effort.

3) She's provided a link to her webpage! Maybe I'll get to know more about her! What's this? She owns her own money-making business! Boy, she doesn't want me to leave! All these pop-ups sure give a clear message: "I want your love!"

4) & 5) Did.... did twitter get these numbers mixed up? Surely she's more popular than this! NO! GROW ANOTHER BRAIN! If the spammer's haven't copped on that the not being able to change the standard Twitter layout stops you from hiding what a fake ass you are, then... well, oh, we can't really do anything, can we.

6) How does one type out mental retardation? Like, Christy Brown stuff? Y'know when you wave your hands together and stick your jaw out and right, and make moaning sounds? Yeah, that's what 6) is. Christ, I think my cat could make up a more convincing Twitter feed. Although it would mainly be about how tickly her tummy is, and why she prefers chicken to ham.

Friday 14 August 2009

US President Not To Skydive Into Damascus

Barack Obama, the first US president to be called Barack Obama, has decided not to visit Damascus by skydiving from a US troop carrier from approximately 22,000 feet.

Employing the opposite technique seen in this image, the famed leader was to employ the powers of gravity to accelerate his body from a flying metallic vessle at speeds that could reach 200 km/h, depending on how skinny and pointy he may have been. It was rumoured that President Obama was in "pin training", a technique used by several elite US airforce troops that involves pushing thread through ones cranium, and weaving through some cloth, feet first.

It was later revealed that all of this was a complete misunderstanding after the American word for "Autumn" was used in a report about him no longer visiting the Syrian capital later this year.

Tuesday 11 August 2009

World Heroes Defeat Titanic Criminal

The world breathed a sigh of relief (exhaling somewhere near Java) after a historical terrorist was brought to justice. Millvina Dean, last "survivor" of the White Star liner "Titanic", also known to the crime fighting world as "Cripple Face" was fired to the depths of the ocean in a man-abandoned cyber missile of submarine abilities.

Citing badly drawn images of the once menacing ship wrecker, Senior Detectivite Jonathon Groomb explained how "her powers were beyond anything science could arm wrestle, even if it were a late night arm-wrestle, and her powers had been drinking since two in the afternoon." He continued, "Once Cripple Face fired her vision beams, you were entranced into a state of complete contrasendia", the resulting effect leaving many of her victims suffering extreme bouts of rage when faced with potatoes.

Cripple face is expected to return later in the year to sign a multi-million dollar movie contract before descending back into the mid-Atlantic rift, an area commonly known to locals as "Woman's Bits".