Monday 14 December 2009

Berlusconi Wins Jam Donut Eat-a-thon

Italian Premieristo Silvio Berlusconi has won the annual Milan Jam Donut Eat-a-thon. Picture here moments after devouring his final obstacle, Mr. Berlusconi was rushed away to a local cafe to drink copious amounts of tea, which many believe to be a good companion for the dough-based jam sacks.

The trophy - a 1:50,000 scale of the Milan Cathedral that hosted the event - was received by Mr. Berlusconi between his gums, as both front teeth had rotted from his head during the high-sugar event.

His closest competitor, a mentally unstable Milan resident, was furious at losing, and has ordered himself to be arrested by police and to receive bruises under a wet sack in a darkened cell.

Before being shuttled away by adoring security guards, Berlusconi proudly showed the crowd the face of an easy-going government, reminding them them that political class and circumstance should never get in the way of gorging oneself senseless.

"Mney mneynlem mnyem!"

Thursday 19 November 2009

Henry Celebrated for Initiating Era of Hand 2.0 Compliancy

Humans around the world welcomed in a new era last night, after French footballer Terence Henry dazzlingly smashed the crusty old rules of yester-year in a stadium packed with flag wavers and clothes wearers. In harsh times gone by, humans were relegated to the degrading habit of using their feet and hands for a limited and specific set of tasks, as was clearly defined by The Book of Appendages, which came from outer space and gave birth to the term "handy".

But not anymore! During the exciting net-filling festival, the Frenchman asploded the minds of many-a-man by usurping the over-lords of boredom and hand-pushed the football to his foot, before casually returning to old habits under no social or archaic pressures, and footed the spherical leather pouch to his team mate. Spectaters at the scene vibrated their larynx to maximum effect and waved their bodies in fits of agreement. The Irish team even halted their actions to inform the referee just how awesomely mind-blowing the whole incident was.


"Ref! You won't believe what I've just seen!!!"

Irish coach Giovanni Clap-your-hands-says-Tony mimmicked the hand gesture from the side-lines, before turning to the bench and shouting, "IT'S HAND 2.0 COMPLIANCY!!!"

However, a furore has brewed in this Fisher Price tea cup. Many are asking for the event to be re-staged as not enough people captured reflected photons of light carrying information about the incident using their eyequipment. They hope that Mr. Henry can perform the same maneuver in an attempt to encourage more people to do the same. Hand 2.0 Compliancy is being billed as the "next" big "thing", and is something governments around the world have long been discussing, in an attempt to simulatenously move all levels of society forward.

Mr. Henry has extended his thanks to all those who support his actions, and has vowed to push Hand 2.0 Compliancy to the forefront of everyone's agenda by replacing his entire right arm with a giant hand. Henry will be spending the next two weeks travelling to disadvantaged schools where stunted children can share in the joy of signing his hand and showering in the sweat from his palm.

Henry - "Bastard"

Sunday 25 October 2009

Proof alone of why men should marry:

If left alone for too long, they end up doing pathetic arty skits like this. Come back, wife! I can't figure out where to cook my slippers!

Friday 23 October 2009

Consider the following....

Since Ralph Feinnes has repeatedly gone by the same name for so many years, could he be condemned as a serial ralphist?

Thursday 22 October 2009


Had this to say in earlier interview,

Friday 9 October 2009

So this annoyed me...

Anyone about Dublin city centre yesterday may have seen some eggs sculptings dotted about the place. Yours truly noticed one beside Sean O'Casey bridge, and thought it to be hilarious to take a snapshot of brother younger vaulting the suspicious eggject. "Do not break it," I said, as he prepared the run and jump. One tweet latter, and I was on my way to missing a big opportunity.

Later in the day, DIT students appraoched their local miniature eggifice with 2001-esque trepidation, but rather than feed off any mind plankton, they smashed the object to reveal a PlayStation 3 console, theirs for the taking.

Adhering to their civic Web 2.0 duty, word spread via social networks, and soon every egg was relieved of it's encasing duty, showering armed and muscular savages with prizes.

Obviously a marketing stunt, but the question I want to ask is: what kind of behaviour does this reward or encourage? Answers on an electronic postcard, please.

Wednesday 30 September 2009

Headlines With No Article Bodies

"How my sandwhich saved my life!"

"Two feet found hammered to cat."

"White people accused of producing more jam."

"Snow found hidden behind toilet."

"Health Minister denies existence of all cervixes."

"Votes gushied ahead of Lisbon referendum."

Thursday 24 September 2009

Happy Guinness Day, you drunken moron...

At 17:59 on 24th September (that's today, you twit), the world celebrates one of the most well conceived marketing ploys of the mighty Guinness advertising juggernaut. "Arthur's Day" is the new fake holiday that's set to rivatalise a brand that's become as stale as one of it's own at the end of the night after it being left on the floor beside the cigarette machine because it's owner was too flutered to wake up after falling asleep in one of the toilet cubicles.

Yes, every 1st-world commuting lad under the sun has already told his girlfriend / wife / Xbox Live team mate that he won't be home at the usual time. He's going to be part of a new movement, one that celebrates poverty of the pocket and soul, and live out the scenario that has been repetitiously image-beamed into his head - of compatriots-in-stout raising their glass and saluting the man who took all their money and made them that bit thicker. No doubt some moron will make it three times as unbearable by shouting 'To Martha!' right afterwards.

In fairness, Guiness is that somewhat more respectable draught. Many a Wicklow man I've met who could still have a sensible debate with me after downing nine pints of 'the black stuff' (no, not liquorice) in a single afternoon. Granted they'd have a big stupid grin on their face the whole time, but still, it's not the type of alcholic beverage that you'd associate with football hooligans, girls holding back their hair at the edge of the footpath, and Nicholas Sarkozy giving a press conference. It conjours up more images of your Dad in the corner, drawing faces with your finger tips, and that first child you had (going on the presumption that you're 60+ female who was fed the stuff via drip in hospital, as was recommended practice by the Genuinely Unassociated Intelligent .... oh, look, I can't come up with an acronym what spells 'Guinmess' and relates to a medical board. Just assume I'm funny. It makes life easier for everyone.

Anyway, whatever you do at 17:59 today, keep one thing in mind: Up Yours, Arthur Guiness, you rich, dead bastard!

Wednesday 23 September 2009

Bob Geldof discovered in landfill

The search for Bob Geldof sadly ended last night as police and emergency services responding to an inadvertently accurate prank call discovered his living flesh capsule (human body) in a landfill site near Brighton. Geldof was immediately rushed to the nearby St. Luke's Hospital where he was pronounced "Geld-off".

More to follow...

Tuesday 22 September 2009

Luas-Bus Aftermath: CIE Takes Revenge

RTE are blowing with a strong report today (about 45 mph) that CIE have extracted their revenge on Dublin Bus passengers after their glorious defeat in an effectiveness Vs. cost deathmatch, which was beamed towards retinal cones by the R520 earlier last week.

While people may speculate that the three seperate crashes in and around north Co. Dublin were mere coincidences, granules of salt truth were shaken from the mouth dispenser of one of the passengers, who managed to be served on all three courses of the crash meal. "I was thinking of what it would be like to crawl into the space for storing buggies and drape my jacket over the entrance, so that it'd be like a little fort where no one could see me." Passenger Relvas McStream continues, "All of a sudden the guy from the back seat came flying towards me, and the driver screamed, and I might be hazy on this because someone's arse was in my face, 'Clean and efficient rail transport can suck it all the way to hell!' "

When asked to comment, CIE spoke person George Condestiny spilled his hot chocolate over his trousers, and spent the remaining time drying his crotch under a hair dryer in the men's toilets before the R520 was asked to leave quitlely on the Dublin Bus Ghost Tour, which really is a lot of fun and is highly recommended.

Monday 21 September 2009

Stay Alive on 22nd September.... or die

Tomorrow, Tuesday 22nd September is EXACTLY Tuesday 22nd September. During this day, you will be alive (for the seconds we can count, anyway). I invite you all to stay living on this day by using the anti-death technique you're all familiar with - living. Pump your blood to victory by partaking in this zaplactic celebatron. Winners will receive prizes at the back of the men's toilets. (The prize will be a sign that says "Please Step in Teh Dog Poo", and there's a little finger-arrow to point down to wherever the chocolate canine surprise is).

Stay Alive... here

Thursday 17 September 2009

Weekly News Explosion

Like a young boy who just dropped his ice-cream, the R520 reflects on moments passed and wonders why we didn't take more of a firm grip on the 99 Cone of Reality:

- Everyone died - Yes, we lost one of our great hopes for Olympic gold, a chef, and an actor all in the space of 24 hours. Thank God no one important in the banking and finance sector died...

Mourners gathered in Afghanistan for the launching of the dead celebrities to the orbiting Plasma Dome of Famosity.

- Speaking of, the Irish government cemented a roulette wheel into our financial future after unveiling the details of NAMA, the Not Arsed or Motivated Anymore body of rules which has, in effect, rewarded the most flagrantly ignorant and reckless financial decisions in the last ninety years with €54 Billion of tax-payer's money. I wonder what I'll be rewarded with when I submit this year's tax return after wiping my arse with it?

- CIE and Veolia Transport sent their mightiest warriors into a two-way sardine-can smash-pact, with the LUAS emerging as the Supreme Victor of the Realm of O'Connell Street. Spectators demanded an immediate investigation of the result, asking such questions as, was it an electrics problem and what country were the drivers from? The losing No. 16 bus was transported back to the Phibsborough bus depot where it will be used as the flag-ship vehicle in Dublin Bus's new "E-Z Hop-On" service, which is already under fire from citics for forcing passengers through the one, permanent gaping "doorway".

- It's been discovered that trying to type a blog while "Night at the Museum" plays in the background is soul destroying. Never before has the human spirit been subjected to the most concious-tainting dross since people first began to find Robin Williams funny. Oh and here he is! That bastard has spent more on cocaine than I'll earn in my entire life. ... Boy I wish I was in that first paragraph.

Tuesday 15 September 2009

This Is The Last Thing On Earth Any Of Us Ever Wanted, Needed

God had a good chuckle today as he threw the failing human population a snake with an arm. Whether this was to scare us into action or to finish us off is still unknown.

The report was a news bullet from the gun of Lithuanian source, Delfi, straight to the head of humanity's dying hope. (Why did a Chinese woman report this to a Lithuanian newspaper? It's a Web 2.3 reality after all!)

Seriously - snakes with arms - we might as well just give up. Once our opposable digits gave us the clever advantage over their deathly poison glands, but now we're doomed to a future of cell apoptosis while being strangled, which will more than likely be the weekly highlight of some reality TV show where the ant-like humans are hunted down by a crack team of reptilian mercenaries who have long since taken control of our governments, cranes and bus lanes.

And only next week I was being given my certificate in table etiquette.... damn.


Bolster your pants because they found a 3 metre python in the River Slaney, Co. Wexford!! RTE have this one fully covered. I think it's safe to say that NAMA and Lisbon should be completely forgotten about, and all government and state resources should be focused on smashing every inch of this 8" circumferenced bastard to pieces.

What a day. What's next? Heh, Patrick Swayze dying? ... OH F-


Thursday 10 September 2009

Old Man Dies Peacefully For Second Time

For the second time in his death life death? life a 62 year-old man has died off his bicycle in the heart of Dublin City.

It is believed that the accident was caused by a wasp carrying some pasta, which the wasp found too heavy and dropped onto the cyclist's nonce-box somewhere in the region of his hair. Witnesses say that the impact was a low one, but that the then-living corpse swung his head about wildly, flailing his toungue like the flipper of an angry sealion in a desperate attempt to catch the morsel of wasptritus. Failing to notice the thousands of blades of grass in front of him, the spazclist wound up on the fat end of his pedal machine.

One of the witnesses, an American tourist, commented with "Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ! Who is this asshole?" before wandering of to play a game of frisbee with some men, one of whom was topless.

Upon contacting his wife for a comment, R520 members were told that "that Lazarus bastard can go bury himself".

The R520 will tomorrow hold a vigil in memory of the man, which will probably just involve me secretly eating a Snickers in the toilet so my wife doesn't find out.

Tuesday 25 August 2009

Twitter Spam - Web 0.4

So here we are, nearly 200 years after Beethoven's 9th Symphony, and nearly 50 years since we first sent a team of humans to walk on another celestial body, and still, still, there are people on the planet who have nothing better to do than to trick other people into some sort of scam that will earn its perpetrators a few pennies. In fairness, the originators of spam should be complimented on realising that 6,000,000,000 x 0.000001% is still a reasonable figure, especially if you multiply the answer by $0.02 (or whatever the hell the going rate for viewing an online advertisement is).

We all know at this stage that the Prince of Rhodesia has been ousted by a military coup, and he needs a Western bank account to deposit his Kingdom's savings and is willing to give a charitable 1% of his country's GNP to the account owner, but what we didn't know is that there are swathes of attractive young ladies who live locally, are scientists, and just so happen to have a huge interest in your daily life.

And so we enter the world of Twitter Spam, where these young sirens wait for you to discover the secret of their heart's desire, which is embedded in a Tiny URL, would you believe. I'm sorry to have to do this to you all, but here is the supremely sarcastic guide that shows you when to realise that the girl of your dreams is a 35 year old dude sitting in his boxers hoping to attract nothing more than 10 seconds of your idle time:

1) Hey, don't I know you? God, she looks just like that hot Indian girl from Slumdog Millionaire! What are the odds! She even went through the bother of dressing up for her profile pic like she was on TV, or something! Imagine what she'd look like on our wedding day! You'd look less suspicious if you sketched the profile pic with some crayons.

2) What a username! She was so eager to sign on to Twitter and get to know me she just mashed the keyboard with her presumably large breasts, or developed some script to generate the name for her (in which case she's a genius with a massive rack). Or maybe it stands for 'Easily Excited end Aroused 1' (she must have a South African accent - how exotic!). Otherwise, requires more effort.

3) She's provided a link to her webpage! Maybe I'll get to know more about her! What's this? She owns her own money-making business! Boy, she doesn't want me to leave! All these pop-ups sure give a clear message: "I want your love!"

4) & 5) Did.... did twitter get these numbers mixed up? Surely she's more popular than this! NO! GROW ANOTHER BRAIN! If the spammer's haven't copped on that the not being able to change the standard Twitter layout stops you from hiding what a fake ass you are, then... well, oh, we can't really do anything, can we.

6) How does one type out mental retardation? Like, Christy Brown stuff? Y'know when you wave your hands together and stick your jaw out and right, and make moaning sounds? Yeah, that's what 6) is. Christ, I think my cat could make up a more convincing Twitter feed. Although it would mainly be about how tickly her tummy is, and why she prefers chicken to ham.

Friday 14 August 2009

US President Not To Skydive Into Damascus

Barack Obama, the first US president to be called Barack Obama, has decided not to visit Damascus by skydiving from a US troop carrier from approximately 22,000 feet.

Employing the opposite technique seen in this image, the famed leader was to employ the powers of gravity to accelerate his body from a flying metallic vessle at speeds that could reach 200 km/h, depending on how skinny and pointy he may have been. It was rumoured that President Obama was in "pin training", a technique used by several elite US airforce troops that involves pushing thread through ones cranium, and weaving through some cloth, feet first.

It was later revealed that all of this was a complete misunderstanding after the American word for "Autumn" was used in a report about him no longer visiting the Syrian capital later this year.

Tuesday 11 August 2009

World Heroes Defeat Titanic Criminal

The world breathed a sigh of relief (exhaling somewhere near Java) after a historical terrorist was brought to justice. Millvina Dean, last "survivor" of the White Star liner "Titanic", also known to the crime fighting world as "Cripple Face" was fired to the depths of the ocean in a man-abandoned cyber missile of submarine abilities.

Citing badly drawn images of the once menacing ship wrecker, Senior Detectivite Jonathon Groomb explained how "her powers were beyond anything science could arm wrestle, even if it were a late night arm-wrestle, and her powers had been drinking since two in the afternoon." He continued, "Once Cripple Face fired her vision beams, you were entranced into a state of complete contrasendia", the resulting effect leaving many of her victims suffering extreme bouts of rage when faced with potatoes.

Cripple face is expected to return later in the year to sign a multi-million dollar movie contract before descending back into the mid-Atlantic rift, an area commonly known to locals as "Woman's Bits".

Friday 31 July 2009

Bruno Review

Post Sex-Op Sister Site GLTFA has done a semi-round table reviocks of the new Bruno film:

Saturday 27 June 2009

Funerlol - Michael Jackson's Fantasy Funeral

With obituary mode in full swing across the mainstream press, the R520 picks up the moral gauntlet and swings it haphazardly at Mr. Jackson's recently carved headstone.

- UPDATE 2 - Well, it came and went - the whole Michael Jackson era. Like a flash in the pan. A 50 year flash. 5lash. - END UPDATE 2 -

- UPDATE - Are the Jacksons of Egyptian descent? Because it's the 4th September, and Mr. Jackson still hasn't been buried. It seems he may be buried today. Amazing. I've seen road kill get quicker and better funerals than this guy.

Anyway, FUNERLOL is still in full effect, right up until the point when the priest closes the Bible, and just as everyone turns to leave Jackson's hand shoots up out of the ground and screams 'NOOOOOO!' That is, Jackson himself screams, not his hand. That'd be too weird, even for him. - END UPDATE -

Everyone knows that Hack-a-Jack Wacko Jackson probably had the craziest life lived by anyone in the last century of 100 years - changing skin colour, years of impersonating a sick woman, fathering children with a completely different set of genes to his own - and yet, at the end of it all you can't help but deny that the wackness out-weighs the jackness. Once the King of Pop and idolised by yours truly (the Pope), Jackson's persona will be more easily remembered through gags and laughs than a deep, solemn respect for his musicosity.

If you think otherwise, you're a moron who hates funny.

Which leads me to think that his funeral is going to be equally as outrageous and comical as his latter years. No matter how hard people try, no matter how mournful they may try to be, the world's media is going to point their cameras at them and we're going to laugh at the absurdity, the back-tracking, and the ridiculously rhetorical. But most importantly, Michael Jackson's fans will make or break this funeral.

So without further ado, the R520 presents "FUNERLOL", the world's first (and possibly only) Michael Jackson Fantasy Funeral. This is a chance to guestimate how truly, wonderfully absurd this event will be. Please e-mail with your choice OF THREE from the following options, as a means of telling us what you think will happen during the funeral. That, or stick them in the comments below.

The user with the most points will win a Patrick Moore photograph signed by the R520 members, plsu some Michael Jackson memorabilia (I swear they're his underpants!) Points are weighted against the likely hood of the event. So play it safe, or GO FOR R520 GOLD!

a) When the coffin arrives at the church/Neverland, at least one nut-job fan will dive on the car bonnet. - 3pts

b) Before the body arrives, we will see at least one clip of a Jacko fan in full regalia (glove, hat, white socks) doing a wonderful pop-and-lock Jacko routine, while equally desperate fans cheer around him. - 2pts

c) Paula Abdul turns up drunk - 4pts

d) There will be at least one animal on display -2pts

e) This animal may or may not be dressed up as another animal -6pts

f) The pall bearers will moon-walk the coffin up the aisle - 6pts

g) The funeral will end to the sound of Jackson's song "Leave Me Alone" -7pts

h) The sacristan will get the track number wrong, and instead play the next track on the "Bad" album, and the funeral will end to the sound of "Liberian Girl". -8pts

i) Jackson's Dad will charge the priest a fee to say the sermon. -1pts

j) Justin Timberlake will cry the whole time -4pts

k) Elizabeth Taylor will make a speech - 3pts

l) and will think she's at a Nelson Mandela tribute gig - 10pts

m) Macaulay Culkin will be present - 2 pts

n) The Coffin will be in the shape of Michael Jackson - 10pts

o) There will be a minute silence in which someone will shout out a traditional Jacko "Oww!" - 8pts

p) Someone will commit suicide at or near the funeral site. - 10pts

q) The funeral will be sponsored by O2 - 30pts

r) A helicopter will make an appearance - 5pts

s) Bubbles will be in a tuxedo - 12pts

t) Toward the end of the funeral, a tank will roll onto the alter and a soldier will get out and hold a gun to Jacko's head, only for MJ's face to reduce him to tears. - You win teh prize

Additional options may be posted in the near future. But start guessing!

Thursday 25 June 2009

Public Enemies - A Review got to see the Irish premiere (and one of the world's firsts) of Michael Mann's new film, "Public Enemies".

Doesn't sound too hot, by the sound of it's sounds.

Friday 29 May 2009

Old Man Dies in Park After Falling from Bicycle

A 62-year old man has died today in Dublin city centre after falling from his bicycle. The man, aged 62, was last heard mumbling "This won't do" as his body tumbled from the bike in a hysterical mess, and decided to arrange his corpse in a neat fashion upon landing, so as not inconvenience his family and expediate his burial.

The immediate family were called to the accident to identify the 62 year-old man and to confirm that his trouser, tie, and short-sleeve shirt were appropriate attire for a summer funeral for the 62 year-old.

Details will be given later today as to the exact cause of who spilled my yogurt drink at lunch.

Thursday 28 May 2009

The R520 Twitter Spasm

The R520 has blasted rockets into Web 2.4 Realms by entering into the mind-fest of Twitter Land. Bored with the everyday approach of aiming larynx vibrations at humoid ears, the R520 members have decided to binarise their fingers taps and directed them at corneas of world-fillers space-wide.

Follow the neural-tweets of many-a-man at

Sunday 24 May 2009

Father Collins Park Clongriffin

I wanted to link to this album now, to show that members of the public should be allowed enjoy a new public park before some seasonal politician gets to open it on a week day while the rest of us are in work...

The new Father Collins park in Clongriffin has shaped up really well. What used to be tufts of over-growth filled with burned-out cars and mopeds has turned into a new self-sustaining eco-recreation zanafroid, with pendulous energy swings.

A lot of the flora has been preserved around the edges, which is home to fauna (mainly hares). The water system has been designed to be home to water wildlife.

Also, annual update lol