Saturday 9 June 2007

STOP THE PRESS!!


Forget Paris screaming her way back to prison, or the world's fastest wheelchair, we have just received reports of a unique phallic bread roll.

Early reports are sketchy, but eye-witnesses have used words such as "hilarious", "hahaha", and "earth shattering". As to the origins of this spectacle boulangers, surely a kooky, irregularistic breadist is to blame, peeping through shelves and fondling himself madly as helpless victims grope the yeasty expression of his inner perv.

DRAMATIC UPDATE: Avid photographer Proficious Fax snapped the 8th Wonder (insert) while trying to instead grab a snap of the Lock Ness Monster. "All I wanted to see was a giant lizard. Now all I have is a bready cock. It's a disgrace. Someone should pay."

Tuesday 5 June 2007

Favourite Film Quotes


Speaking of favourite film quotes James, I just remembered this classic from Good Will Hunting. (Am I the only person who doesn't hate Matt Damon?)



"Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll take a shot. Say I'm working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never met, never had a no problem with get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Oh, Send in the marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number got called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some kid from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes back to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile he realizes the only reason he was over there in the first place was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And of course the oil companies used the skirmish over there to scare up domestic oil prices. A cute little ancillary benefit for them, but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back of course, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and fuckin' play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So now my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's got to walk to the fuckin' job interviews, which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin' 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what did I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. I figure fuck it, while I'm at it why not just shoot my buddy, take his job, give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president."

Monday 4 June 2007

The plans they made put and end to you (A.K.A. Hollywood is full of shit)

Television took another blow last night with Sarah Silverman (Who? Oh, that woman everyone thinks is a Jew.... I mean, funny) publicly humiliating Paris Hilton in front of an audience of.... peers? (I'm linking to WWTDD instead of YouTube directly 'cause it's a funny site).

Believe me when I tell you that no one is happier than me in seeing this criminal go to where she belongs. Seriously, the more I learn about Paris Hilton the more I begin to understand those towel-heads blabbing on about the Evils of the West.

Truth is, television is a better medium than that used to put somebody down. T.V. is one of the most fundamentally important landmarks in human history and yet it is being abused more and more due to competetive entertainment and greedy business models. To quote one of my favourite movies:

"Because if they are right, and this instrument is good for nothing but to entertain, amuse and insulate, then the tube is flickering now and we will soon see that the whole struggle is lost. This instrument can teach, it can illuminate; yes, and it can even inspire. But it can do so only to the extent that humans are determined to use it to those ends. Otherwise it is merely wires and lights in a box. Good night, and good luck."

Translation: perpetuate your regressive piss elsewhere, Hollywood.

L.O.L (London Olympics Logo) in "being shit" non-shocker!











Source: BBC News



Forget the Sounds of Hell, this is the real proof that hell exists. I mean it wouldn't be too bad if the shape, design and colour palette were drastically changed, but as it is it's a travesty beyond nature and words.




"When people see the new brand, we want them to be inspired to make a positive change in their life." -bellowed Tony Blair








Shut up Tony. Here is a much better logo.


Sunday 3 June 2007

I HATE WORKING ON BANK HOLIDAY MONDAYAAAAAAA!

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Weekly Mysteries #1



Greetings travellers. Each week I shall bring to you attention one of the many mysteries this world has to offer. Many you will have heard of before, some you many not.

This week week we shall look at... SOUNDS OF HELL.



















"As a communist I don’t believe in heaven or the Bible but as a scientist I now believe in hell," - Dr. Azzacove.



I'm not going to recount the entire story. If you want that I'd suggest reading it here or if you are very lazy there's a youtube video explaining it here.




The basic gist of it involves Hell being located inside the core of Earth and Scientist drilling close enough to it to hear the sounds of the damned. Now I'm not a religious person, mainly due to the fact that things like this are the nearest there is to proof. But if I was religious this would scare the shite out of be. The idea of Hell being in the Earth's core never occurred to be, as logical (if we assume that The Bible is a factual text) as it would be.




The part about the 8ft long worms as well... Aside from the fact that it's a freakin 8 ft long worm, I find this idea pretty creepy. Again, taking a giant leap of logic and assuming the Bible is really, what the hell (pun intended) would happen is.... something got out?




Man I'm glad I'm a devote Atheist. Thinking like a Christian even for 5 minutes just fills me with fear and worry.

Saturday 2 June 2007

You've Got To Be Kidneying Me!


It turns out that the Deutch tv show we plastered on our blog was nothing more than a ruse. My source is the Wii news channel, so don't ask me to link to this...

One of the details of the hoax was that the public had to vote for whichever contestants they wanted to get the kidney (i.e. live). It's all terribly like the Running Man, sans Jesse Ventura, and, well, everything else, but the point remains that I'm the best at making a Malteser hover over my mouth by pursing my lips and blowing like a true champion.

The sad part is, the three contestants really are awaiting kidney transplants, and did the hoax as part of a campaign to raise awareness on the lack of available donations, specifically in the Netherlands. Nice to see that people can maintain their sense of humour during the toughest trials of life.

Oh, and the picture was the first image result when I searched for the word 'ruse'.

Friday 1 June 2007