R520

Greener Pastures

2010-01-18T11:53:00.004Z

It's with a bitter sweet, sugary lemon tongue that we wrestle the original R520 blog to the ground and force it to eat the grass of retirement. While personally I felt it was a major step forward in reversing the Web 2.0 movement by sprouting mind juice from a single brain-entity without plebs spilling their internet over our precious binaries, others felt that it was too much of an old man who'd urinated on himself badly and lost his walking stick in the snow.

However, the ambulance of trust arrived to wheel the old man to some place better, more popular, and hopefully with a better future, despite having stomach cancer and a wife who's trying to poison him. The slightly better state of affairs can be found over at:

HTTP://THER520.WORDPRESS.COM

To all our loyal readers: wow, really? Get a life, you jerk!

Database Design

2010-01-13T14:57:00.002Z

Multi-instrument iPhone

2010-01-12T18:36:00.000Z

GAME OVER YEEEEEAAAAAAH!

2010-01-12T14:51:00.002Z

Hot Word Soup

2010-01-08T14:51:00.007Z

This is a unique opportunity to see how the Deus Ex Machina behind the R520 works. Or doesn't work. "Gave us extra washing machines", more like. We tried to make a post about how to take care during these icy, snowy days. But instead all we got was a pun run... We miss you all dearly, so I'm posting it.

dr_faulk: I want to post a new blog about surviving the snow and ice. Any ideas?

SadRyu: I'm too busy growing.

dr_faulk: Snow points for that one.

Paulus maximus: Ice what you did there.

dr_faulk: I smelt that one coming...

Paulus maximus: I thawt you might say that.

dr_faulk: You always were flakey when it came to these pun runs...

Paulus maximus: Yeah I'm snowman for these puns allright.

dr_faulk: Seems no one else is getting involved in this. I'm off. Chat to you sleighter.

Paulus maximus: Yeah we seem to have frost the others.

Flightrisker: Sorry I was sleeting my lunch.

Berlusconi Wins Jam Donut Eat-a-thon

2009-12-14T14:02:00.006Z

Italian Premieristo Silvio Berlusconi has won the annual Milan Jam Donut Eat-a-thon. Picture here moments after devouring his final obstacle, Mr. Berlusconi was rushed away to a local cafe to drink copious amounts of tea, which many believe to be a good companion for the dough-based jam sacks.

The trophy - a 1:50,000 scale of the Milan Cathedral that hosted the event - was received by Mr. Berlusconi between his gums, as both front teeth had rotted from his head during the high-sugar event.

His closest competitor, a mentally unstable Milan resident, was furious at losing, and has ordered himself to be arrested by police and to receive bruises under a wet sack in a darkened cell.

Before being shuttled away by adoring security guards, Berlusconi proudly showed the crowd the face of an easy-going government, reminding them them that political class and circumstance should never get in the way of gorging oneself senseless.

"Mney mneynlem mnyem!"

Henry Celebrated for Initiating Era of Hand 2.0 Compliancy

2009-11-19T15:24:00.000Z

Humans around the world welcomed in a new era last night, after French footballer Terence Henry dazzlingly smashed the crusty old rules of yester-year in a stadium packed with flag wavers and clothes wearers. In harsh times gone by, humans were relegated to the degrading habit of using their feet and hands for a limited and specific set of tasks, as was clearly defined by The Book of Appendages, which came from outer space and gave birth to the term "handy".

But not anymore! During the exciting net-filling festival, the Frenchman asploded the minds of many-a-man by usurping the over-lords of boredom and hand-pushed the football to his foot, before casually returning to old habits under no social or archaic pressures, and footed the spherical leather pouch to his team mate. Spectaters at the scene vibrated their larynx to maximum effect and waved their bodies in fits of agreement. The Irish team even halted their actions to inform the referee just how awesomely mind-blowing the whole incident was.

href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_37cpR4UvG5U/SwVfwxF_syI/AAAAAAAACn4/yKTt1hYaps4/s1600/given.JPG">
"Ref! You won't believe what I've just seen!!!"

Irish coach Giovanni Clap-your-hands-says-Tony mimmicked the hand gesture from the side-lines, before turning to the bench and shouting, "IT'S HAND 2.0 COMPLIANCY!!!"

However, a furore has brewed in this Fisher Price tea cup. Many are asking for the event to be re-staged as not enough people captured reflected photons of light carrying information about the incident using their eyequipment. They hope that Mr. Henry can perform the same maneuver in an attempt to encourage more people to do the same. Hand 2.0 Compliancy is being billed as the "next" big "thing", and is something governments around the world have long been discussing, in an attempt to simulatenously move all levels of society forward.

Mr. Henry has extended his thanks to all those who support his actions, and has vowed to push Hand 2.0 Compliancy to the forefront of everyone's agenda by replacing his entire right arm with a giant hand. Henry will be spending the next two weeks travelling to disadvantaged schools where stunted children can share in the joy of signing his hand and showering in the sweat from his palm.

Henry - "Bastard"

Proof alone of why men should marry:

2009-10-25T08:56:00.004Z

If left alone for too long, they end up doing pathetic arty skits like this. Come back, wife! I can't figure out where to cook my slippers!

Consider the following....

2009-10-23T12:13:00.001Z

Since Ralph Feinnes has repeatedly gone by the same name for so many years, could he be condemned as a serial ralphist?

BIG TRAP TAKING KARATE LESSONS IN BID TO DEFEAT FRENCH NATIONAL TEAM, AVENGE DEATH OF FATHER

2009-10-22T23:23:00.003Z

Had this to say in earlier interview,

"HiiiiiiEEEE WooooOOO YAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGH!!!!"

So this annoyed me...

2009-10-09T12:51:00.004Z

Anyone about Dublin city centre yesterday may have seen some eggs sculptings dotted about the place. Yours truly noticed one beside Sean O'Casey bridge, and thought it to be hilarious to take a snapshot of brother younger vaulting the suspicious eggject. "Do not break it," I said, as he prepared the run and jump. One tweet latter, and I was on my way to missing a big opportunity.

Later in the day, DIT students appraoched their local miniature eggifice with 2001-esque trepidation, but rather than feed off any mind plankton, they smashed the object to reveal a PlayStation 3 console, theirs for the taking.

Adhering to their civic Web 2.0 duty, word spread via social networks, and soon every egg was relieved of it's encasing duty, showering armed and muscular savages with prizes.

Obviously a marketing stunt, but the question I want to ask is: what kind of behaviour does this reward or encourage? Answers on an electronic postcard, please.

Headlines With No Article Bodies

2009-09-30T18:31:00.006Z

"How my sandwhich saved my life!"

"Two feet found hammered to cat."

"White people accused of producing more jam."

"Snow found hidden behind toilet."

"Health Minister denies existence of all cervixes."

"Votes gushied ahead of Lisbon referendum."

Happy Guinness Day, you drunken moron...

2009-09-24T10:49:00.007Z

At 17:59 on 24th September (that's today, you twit), the world celebrates one of the most well conceived marketing ploys of the mighty Guinness advertising juggernaut. "Arthur's Day" is the new fake holiday that's set to rivatalise a brand that's become as stale as one of it's own at the end of the night after it being left on the floor beside the cigarette machine because it's owner was too flutered to wake up after falling asleep in one of the toilet cubicles.

Yes, every 1st-world commuting lad under the sun has already told his girlfriend / wife / Xbox Live team mate that he won't be home at the usual time. He's going to be part of a new movement, one that celebrates poverty of the pocket and soul, and live out the scenario that has been repetitiously image-beamed into his head - of compatriots-in-stout raising their glass and saluting the man who took all their money and made them that bit thicker. No doubt some moron will make it three times as unbearable by shouting 'To Martha!' right afterwards.

In fairness, Guiness is that somewhat more respectable draught. Many a Wicklow man I've met who could still have a sensible debate with me after downing nine pints of 'the black stuff' (no, not liquorice) in a single afternoon. Granted they'd have a big stupid grin on their face the whole time, but still, it's not the type of alcholic beverage that you'd associate with football hooligans, girls holding back their hair at the edge of the footpath, and Nicholas Sarkozy giving a press conference. It conjours up more images of your Dad in the corner, drawing faces with your finger tips, and that first child you had (going on the presumption that you're 60+ female who was fed the stuff via drip in hospital, as was recommended practice by the Genuinely Unassociated Intelligent .... oh, look, I can't come up with an acronym what spells 'Guinmess' and relates to a medical board. Just assume I'm funny. It makes life easier for everyone.

Anyway, whatever you do at 17:59 today, keep one thing in mind: Up Yours, Arthur Guiness, you rich, dead bastard!

Bob Geldof discovered in landfill

2009-09-23T17:33:00.009Z

The search for Bob Geldof sadly ended last night as police and emergency services responding to an inadvertently accurate prank call discovered his living flesh capsule (human body) in a landfill site near Brighton. Geldof was immediately rushed to the nearby St. Luke's Hospital where he was pronounced "Geld-off".

More to follow...

Luas-Bus Aftermath: CIE Takes Revenge

2009-09-22T11:16:00.004Z

RTE are blowing with a strong report today (about 45 mph) that CIE have extracted their revenge on Dublin Bus passengers after their glorious defeat in an effectiveness Vs. cost deathmatch, which was beamed towards retinal cones by the R520 earlier last week.

While people may speculate that the three seperate crashes in and around north Co. Dublin were mere coincidences, granules of salt truth were shaken from the mouth dispenser of one of the passengers, who managed to be served on all three courses of the crash meal. "I was thinking of what it would be like to crawl into the space for storing buggies and drape my jacket over the entrance, so that it'd be like a little fort where no one could see me." Passenger Relvas McStream continues, "All of a sudden the guy from the back seat came flying towards me, and the driver screamed, and I might be hazy on this because someone's arse was in my face, 'Clean and efficient rail transport can suck it all the way to hell!' "

When asked to comment, CIE spoke person George Condestiny spilled his hot chocolate over his trousers, and spent the remaining time drying his crotch under a hair dryer in the men's toilets before the R520 was asked to leave quitlely on the Dublin Bus Ghost Tour, which really is a lot of fun and is highly recommended.

Stay Alive on 22nd September.... or die

2009-09-21T16:47:00.002Z

Tomorrow, Tuesday 22nd September is EXACTLY Tuesday 22nd September. During this day, you will be alive (for the seconds we can count, anyway). I invite you all to stay living on this day by using the anti-death technique you're all familiar with - living. Pump your blood to victory by partaking in this zaplactic celebatron. Winners will receive prizes at the back of the men's toilets. (The prize will be a sign that says "Please Step in Teh Dog Poo", and there's a little finger-arrow to point down to wherever the chocolate canine surprise is).

Stay Alive... here

Posted by Dr_Faulk

Weekly News Explosion

2009-09-17T19:33:00.004Z

Like a young boy who just dropped his ice-cream, the R520 reflects on moments passed and wonders why we didn't take more of a firm grip on the 99 Cone of Reality:

- Everyone died - Yes, we lost one of our great hopes for Olympic gold, a chef, and an actor all in the space of 24 hours. Thank God no one important in the banking and finance sector died...

Mourners gathered in Afghanistan for the launching of the dead celebrities to the orbiting Plasma Dome of Famosity.

- Speaking of, the Irish government cemented a roulette wheel into our financial future after unveiling the details of NAMA, the Not Arsed or Motivated Anymore body of rules which has, in effect, rewarded the most flagrantly ignorant and reckless financial decisions in the last ninety years with €54 Billion of tax-payer's money. I wonder what I'll be rewarded with when I submit this year's tax return after wiping my arse with it?

- CIE and Veolia Transport sent their mightiest warriors into a two-way sardine-can smash-pact, with the LUAS emerging as the Supreme Victor of the Realm of O'Connell Street. Spectators demanded an immediate investigation of the result, asking such questions as, was it an electrics problem and what country were the drivers from? The losing No. 16 bus was transported back to the Phibsborough bus depot where it will be used as the flag-ship vehicle in Dublin Bus's new "E-Z Hop-On" service, which is already under fire from citics for forcing passengers through the one, permanent gaping "doorway".

- It's been discovered that trying to type a blog while "Night at the Museum" plays in the background is soul destroying. Never before has the human spirit been subjected to the most concious-tainting dross since people first began to find Robin Williams funny. Oh and here he is! That bastard has spent more on cocaine than I'll earn in my entire life. ... Boy I wish I was in that first paragraph.

This Is The Last Thing On Earth Any Of Us Ever Wanted, Needed

2009-09-15T09:50:00.008Z

God had a good chuckle today as he threw the failing human population a snake with an arm. Whether this was to scare us into action or to finish us off is still unknown.

The report was a news bullet from the gun of Lithuanian source, Delfi, straight to the head of humanity's dying hope. (Why did a Chinese woman report this to a Lithuanian newspaper? It's a Web 2.3 reality after all!)

Seriously - snakes with arms - we might as well just give up. Once our opposable digits gave us the clever advantage over their deathly poison glands, but now we're doomed to a future of cell apoptosis while being strangled, which will more than likely be the weekly highlight of some reality TV show where the ant-like humans are hunted down by a crack team of reptilian mercenaries who have long since taken control of our governments, cranes and bus lanes.

And only next week I was being given my certificate in table etiquette.... damn.

- OH GOOD CHRIST ALMIGHTY UPDATE -

Bolster your pants because they found a 3 metre python in the River Slaney, Co. Wexford!! RTE have this one fully covered. I think it's safe to say that NAMA and Lisbon should be completely forgotten about, and all government and state resources should be focused on smashing every inch of this 8" circumferenced bastard to pieces.

What a day. What's next? Heh, Patrick Swayze dying? ... OH F-

- END SCREEN SHATTERING UPDATE -

Old Man Dies Peacefully For Second Time

2009-09-10T12:11:00.005Z

For the second time in his ~~death~~ ~~life~~ ~~death?~~ life a 62 year-old man has died off his bicycle in the heart of Dublin City.

It is believed that the accident was caused by a wasp carrying some pasta, which the wasp found too heavy and dropped onto the cyclist's nonce-box somewhere in the region of his hair. Witnesses say that the impact was a low one, but that the then-living corpse swung his head about wildly, flailing his toungue like the flipper of an angry sealion in a desperate attempt to catch the morsel of wasptritus. Failing to notice the thousands of blades of grass in front of him, the spazclist wound up on the fat end of his pedal machine.

One of the witnesses, an American tourist, commented with "Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ! Who is this asshole?" before wandering of to play a game of frisbee with some men, one of whom was topless.

Upon contacting his wife for a comment, R520 members were told that "that Lazarus bastard can go bury himself".

The R520 will tomorrow hold a vigil in memory of the man, which will probably just involve me secretly eating a Snickers in the toilet so my wife doesn't find out.

Twitter Spam - Web 0.4

2009-08-25T15:27:00.007Z

So here we are, nearly 200 years after Beethoven's 9th Symphony, and nearly 50 years since we first sent a team of humans to walk on another celestial body, and still, still, there are people on the planet who have nothing better to do than to trick other people into some sort of scam that will earn its perpetrators a few pennies. In fairness, the originators of spam should be complimented on realising that 6,000,000,000 x 0.000001% is still a reasonable figure, especially if you multiply the answer by $0.02 (or whatever the hell the going rate for viewing an online advertisement is).

We all know at this stage that the Prince of Rhodesia has been ousted by a military coup, and he needs a Western bank account to deposit his Kingdom's savings and is willing to give a charitable 1% of his country's GNP to the account owner, but what we didn't know is that there are swathes of attractive young ladies who live locally, are scientists, and just so happen to have a huge interest in your daily life.

And so we enter the world of Twitter Spam, where these young sirens wait for you to discover the secret of their heart's desire, which is embedded in a Tiny URL, would you believe. I'm sorry to have to do this to you all, but here is the supremely sarcastic guide that shows you when to realise that the girl of your dreams is a 35 year old dude sitting in his boxers hoping to attract nothing more than 10 seconds of your idle time:

1) Hey, don't I know you? God, she looks just like that hot Indian girl from Slumdog Millionaire! What are the odds! She even went through the bother of dressing up for her profile pic like she was on TV, or something! Imagine what she'd look like on our wedding day! You'd look less suspicious if you sketched the profile pic with some crayons.

2) What a username! She was so eager to sign on to Twitter and get to know me she just mashed the keyboard with her presumably large breasts, or developed some script to generate the name for her (in which case she's a genius with a massive rack). Or maybe it stands for 'Easily Excited end Aroused 1' (she must have a South African accent - how exotic!). Otherwise, requires more effort.

3) She's provided a link to her webpage! Maybe I'll get to know more about her! What's this? She owns her own money-making business! Boy, she doesn't want me to leave! All these pop-ups sure give a clear message: "I want your love!"

4) & 5) Did.... did twitter get these numbers mixed up? Surely she's more popular than this! NO! GROW ANOTHER BRAIN! If the spammer's haven't copped on that the not being able to change the standard Twitter layout stops you from hiding what a fake ass you are, then... well, oh, we can't really do anything, can we.

6) How does one type out mental retardation? Like, Christy Brown stuff? Y'know when you wave your hands together and stick your jaw out and right, and make moaning sounds? Yeah, that's what 6) is. Christ, I think my cat could make up a more convincing Twitter feed. Although it would mainly be about how tickly her tummy is, and why she prefers chicken to ham.

US President Not To Skydive Into Damascus

2009-08-14T16:19:00.007Z

Barack Obama, the first US president to be called Barack Obama, has decided not to visit Damascus by skydiving from a US troop carrier from approximately 22,000 feet.

Employing the opposite technique seen in this image, the famed leader was to employ the powers of gravity to accelerate his body from a flying metallic vessle at speeds that could reach 200 km/h, depending on how skinny and pointy he may have been. It was rumoured that President Obama was in "pin training", a technique used by several elite US airforce troops that involves pushing thread through ones cranium, and weaving through some cloth, feet first.

It was later revealed that all of this was a complete misunderstanding after the American word for "Autumn" was used in a report about him no longer visiting the Syrian capital later this year.

World Heroes Defeat Titanic Criminal

2009-08-11T23:21:00.001Z

The world breathed a sigh of relief (exhaling somewhere near Java) after a historical terrorist was brought to justice. Millvina Dean, last "survivor" of the White Star liner "Titanic", also known to the crime fighting world as "Cripple Face" was fired to the depths of the ocean in a man-abandoned cyber missile of submarine abilities.

Citing badly drawn images of the once menacing ship wrecker, Senior Detectivite Jonathon Groomb explained how "her powers were beyond anything science could arm wrestle, even if it were a late night arm-wrestle, and her powers had been drinking since two in the afternoon." He continued, "Once Cripple Face fired her vision beams, you were entranced into a state of complete contrasendia", the resulting effect leaving many of her victims suffering extreme bouts of rage when faced with potatoes.

Cripple face is expected to return later in the year to sign a multi-million dollar movie contract before descending back into the mid-Atlantic rift, an area commonly known to locals as "Woman's Bits".

Bruno Review

2009-07-31T17:26:00.001Z

Post Sex-Op Sister Site GLTFA has done a semi-round table reviocks of the new Bruno film:

http://www.gltfa.com/?p=613

Funerlol - Michael Jackson's Fantasy Funeral

2009-06-27T16:49:00.022Z

With obituary mode in full swing across the mainstream press, the R520 picks up the moral gauntlet and swings it haphazardly at Mr. Jackson's recently carved headstone.

- UPDATE 2 - Well, it came and went - the whole Michael Jackson era. Like a flash in the pan. A 50 year flash. 5lash. - END UPDATE 2 -

- UPDATE - Are the Jacksons of Egyptian descent? Because it's the 4th September, and Mr. Jackson still hasn't been buried. It seems he may be buried today. Amazing. I've seen road kill get quicker and better funerals than this guy.

Anyway, FUNERLOL is still in full effect, right up until the point when the priest closes the Bible, and just as everyone turns to leave Jackson's hand shoots up out of the ground and screams 'NOOOOOO!' That is, Jackson himself screams, not his hand. That'd be too weird, even for him. - END UPDATE -

Everyone knows that Hack-a-Jack Wacko Jackson probably had the craziest life lived by anyone in the last century of 100 years - changing skin colour, years of impersonating a sick woman, fathering children with a completely different set of genes to his own - and yet, at the end of it all you can't help but deny that the wackness out-weighs the jackness. Once the King of Pop and idolised by yours truly (the Pope), Jackson's persona will be more easily remembered through gags and laughs than a deep, solemn respect for his musicosity.

If you think otherwise, you're a moron who hates funny.

Which leads me to think that his funeral is going to be equally as outrageous and comical as his latter years. No matter how hard people try, no matter how mournful they may try to be, the world's media is going to point their cameras at them and we're going to laugh at the absurdity, the back-tracking, and the ridiculously rhetorical. But most importantly, Michael Jackson's fans will make or break this funeral.

So without further ado, the R520 presents "FUNERLOL", the world's first (and possibly only) Michael Jackson Fantasy Funeral. This is a chance to guestimate how truly, wonderfully absurd this event will be. Please e-mail ther520team@gmail.com with your choice OF THREE from the following options, as a means of telling us what you think will happen during the funeral. That, or stick them in the comments below.

The user with the most points will win a Patrick Moore photograph signed by the R520 members, plsu some Michael Jackson memorabilia (I swear they're his underpants!) Points are weighted against the likely hood of the event. So play it safe, or GO FOR R520 GOLD!

a) When the coffin arrives at the church/Neverland, at least one nut-job fan will dive on the car bonnet. - 3pts

b) Before the body arrives, we will see at least one clip of a Jacko fan in full regalia (glove, hat, white socks) doing a wonderful pop-and-lock Jacko routine, while equally desperate fans cheer around him. - 2pts

c) Paula Abdul turns up drunk - 4pts

d) There will be at least one animal on display -2pts

e) This animal may or may not be dressed up as another animal -6pts

f) The pall bearers will moon-walk the coffin up the aisle - 6pts

g) The funeral will end to the sound of Jackson's song "Leave Me Alone" -7pts

h) The sacristan will get the track number wrong, and instead play the next track on the "Bad" album, and the funeral will end to the sound of "Liberian Girl". -8pts

i) Jackson's Dad will charge the priest a fee to say the sermon. -1pts

j) Justin Timberlake will cry the whole time -4pts

k) Elizabeth Taylor will make a speech - 3pts

l) and will think she's at a Nelson Mandela tribute gig - 10pts

m) Macaulay Culkin will be present - 2 pts

n) The Coffin will be in the shape of Michael Jackson - 10pts

o) There will be a minute silence in which someone will shout out a traditional Jacko "Oww!" - 8pts

p) Someone will commit suicide at or near the funeral site. - 10pts

q) The funeral will be sponsored by O2 - 30pts

r) A helicopter will make an appearance - 5pts

s) Bubbles will be in a tuxedo - 12pts

t) Toward the end of the funeral, a tank will roll onto the alter and a soldier will get out and hold a gun to Jacko's head, only for MJ's face to reduce him to tears. - You win teh prize

Additional options may be posted in the near future. But start guessing!

Public Enemies - A Review

2009-06-25T12:15:00.002Z

GLTFA.com got to see the Irish premiere (and one of the world's firsts) of Michael Mann's new film, "Public Enemies".

Doesn't sound too hot, by the sound of it's sounds.

Old Man Dies in Park After Falling from Bicycle

2009-05-29T12:34:00.006Z

A 62-year old man has died today in Dublin city centre after falling from his bicycle. The man, aged 62, was last heard mumbling "This won't do" as his body tumbled from the bike in a hysterical mess, and decided to arrange his corpse in a neat fashion upon landing, so as not inconvenience his family and expediate his burial.

The immediate family were called to the accident to identify the 62 year-old man and to confirm that his trouser, tie, and short-sleeve shirt were appropriate attire for a summer funeral for the 62 year-old.

Details will be given later today as to the exact cause of who spilled my yogurt drink at lunch.

The R520 Twitter Spasm

2009-05-28T14:15:00.003Z

The R520 has blasted rockets into Web 2.4 Realms by entering into the mind-fest of Twitter Land. Bored with the everyday approach of aiming larynx vibrations at humoid ears, the R520 members have decided to binarise their fingers taps and directed them at corneas of world-fillers space-wide.

Follow the neural-tweets of many-a-man at twitter.com/R520

Father Collins Park Clongriffin

2009-05-24T07:18:00.005Z

I wanted to link to this album now, to show that members of the public should be allowed enjoy a new public park before some seasonal politician gets to open it on a week day while the rest of us are in work...

The new Father Collins park in Clongriffin has shaped up really well. What used to be tufts of over-growth filled with burned-out cars and mopeds has turned into a new self-sustaining eco-recreation zanafroid, with pendulous energy swings.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/dr_faulk/sets/72157618702546824/

A lot of the flora has been preserved around the edges, which is home to fauna (mainly hares). The water system has been designed to be home to water wildlife.

Also, annual update lol

Adam and Joe "Videowars" Entry

2008-06-29T23:17:00.002Z

Unsexy update: we didn't win the competition. =(

Man wears thong; children see the world for what it is

2008-03-28T08:20:00.004Z

The BBC report of a David Batchelor (I wonder if he's married?) who wandered about his property wearing only a thong that was put on backwards, 'which left his genitals partly exposed', while large groups of children passed by. No one bothered asking any of the children for any words their brains might have pushed through their gobs to describe the incident or how they felt, but one twit said, "The witnesses were alarmed by his actions and concerned for the children who had passed."

When asked to comment on his actions, Mr. Batchelor said, 'I don't know. I was just feeding the birds...'

Chuck Talk, of the Children's Organisation against Criminal Kicks (C.O.C.K.) laments the fact that this is a regular occurance about residential estates situated near schools. "It's hard to take, but there's a certain psychology that seeps into the locals who see kids on a daily basis." Talk believes it goes further. "The kids are a regular sight, like the trees , and these people think they can do what they like around them. But there's a difference between kids and trees. For example, you wouldn't rip off a kid's hand and wipe your ass with it. This is one of the things that the government need to education people on."

In other news, it's my last day in work! Yipee!

Nazis invade Live. Forza creator's vision shat upon.

2007-07-04T08:54:00.000Z

Source: Destructoid

Dan Greenawalt, the director of Forza Motorsport 2, had a vision. He wanted car-geeks and game-geeks to geek together under the hood of uber geek machine, the 360. He wants gamers to get into cars, and he wanted mechanics to get into games. One of the mechanics (pun!) used in implementing this vision was create a community that would allow users to promote, customise, share, and even auction off their own cars. Apparently (I only played the demo) the paint customising options in Forza allow people to create near replicas of the Mona Lisa on the cars. This gives the users the ability to create the most stylish, most sought-after cars in the community.

And then above happened. I'm sure Mr. Greenwalt is double-thinking the idea of giving so many people a public platform to express themselves on. This freedom of expression sort of reminds me when Animal Crossing on the DS told a girl to go suck it out of a donkey's.

STOP THE PRESS!!

2007-06-09T12:08:00.000Z

Forget Paris screaming her way back to prison, or the world's fastest wheelchair, we have just received reports of a unique phallic bread roll.

Early reports are sketchy, but eye-witnesses have used words such as "hilarious", "hahaha", and "earth shattering". As to the origins of this spectacle boulangers, surely a kooky, irregularistic breadist is to blame, peeping through shelves and fondling himself madly as helpless victims grope the yeasty expression of his inner perv.

DRAMATIC UPDATE: Avid photographer Proficious Fax snapped the 8th Wonder (insert) while trying to instead grab a snap of the Lock Ness Monster. "All I wanted to see was a giant lizard. Now all I have is a bready cock. It's a disgrace. Someone should pay."

Favourite Film Quotes

2007-06-05T08:04:00.000Z

Speaking of favourite film quotes James, I just remembered this classic from Good Will Hunting. (Am I the only person who doesn't hate Matt Damon?)

"Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll take a shot. Say I'm working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never met, never had a no problem with get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Oh, Send in the marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number got called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some kid from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes back to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile he realizes the only reason he was over there in the first place was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And of course the oil companies used the skirmish over there to scare up domestic oil prices. A cute little ancillary benefit for them, but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back of course, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and fuckin' play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So now my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's got to walk to the fuckin' job interviews, which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin' 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what did I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. I figure fuck it, while I'm at it why not just shoot my buddy, take his job, give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president."

The plans they made put and end to you (A.K.A. Hollywood is full of shit)

2007-06-04T17:27:00.000Z

Television took another blow last night with Sarah Silverman (Who? Oh, that woman everyone thinks is a Jew.... I mean, funny) publicly humiliating Paris Hilton in front of an audience of.... peers? (I'm linking to WWTDD instead of YouTube directly 'cause it's a funny site).

Believe me when I tell you that no one is happier than me in seeing this criminal go to where she belongs. Seriously, the more I learn about Paris Hilton the more I begin to understand those towel-heads blabbing on about the Evils of the West.

Truth is, television is a better medium than that used to put somebody down. T.V. is one of the most fundamentally important landmarks in human history and yet it is being abused more and more due to competetive entertainment and greedy business models. To quote one of my favourite movies:

"Because if they are right, and this instrument is good for nothing but to entertain, amuse and insulate, then the tube is flickering now and we will soon see that the whole struggle is lost. This instrument can teach, it can illuminate; yes, and it can even inspire. But it can do so only to the extent that humans are determined to use it to those ends. Otherwise it is merely wires and lights in a box. Good night, and good luck."

Translation: perpetuate your regressive piss elsewhere, Hollywood.

L.O.L (London Olympics Logo) in "being shit" non-shocker!

2007-06-04T12:47:00.000Z

Source: BBC News

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/other_sports/olympics_2012/6718243.stm

Forget the Sounds of Hell, this is the real proof that hell exists. I mean it wouldn't be too bad if the shape, design and colour palette were drastically changed, but as it is it's a travesty beyond nature and words.

"When people see the new brand, we want them to be inspired to make a positive change in their life." -bellowed Tony Blair

Shut up Tony. Here is a much better logo.

I HATE WORKING ON BANK HOLIDAY MONDAYAAAAAAA!

2007-06-03T22:23:00.000Z

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Weekly Mysteries #1

2007-06-03T12:46:00.000Z

Greetings travellers. Each week I shall bring to you attention one of the many mysteries this world has to offer. Many you will have heard of before, some you many not.

This week week we shall look at... SOUNDS OF HELL.

"As a communist I don’t believe in heaven or the Bible but as a scientist I now believe in hell," - Dr. Azzacove.

I'm not going to recount the entire story. If you want that I'd suggest reading it here or if you are very lazy there's a youtube video explaining it here.

The basic gist of it involves Hell being located inside the core of Earth and Scientist drilling close enough to it to hear the sounds of the damned. Now I'm not a religious person, mainly due to the fact that things like this are the nearest there is to proof. But if I was religious this would scare the shite out of be. The idea of Hell being in the Earth's core never occurred to be, as logical (if we assume that The Bible is a factual text) as it would be.

The part about the 8ft long worms as well... Aside from the fact that it's a freakin 8 ft long worm, I find this idea pretty creepy. Again, taking a giant leap of logic and assuming the Bible is really, what the hell (pun intended) would happen is.... something got out?

Man I'm glad I'm a devote Atheist. Thinking like a Christian even for 5 minutes just fills me with fear and worry.

You've Got To Be Kidneying Me!

2007-06-02T08:49:00.000Z

It turns out that the Deutch tv show we plastered on our blog was nothing more than a ruse. My source is the Wii news channel, so don't ask me to link to this...

One of the details of the hoax was that the public had to vote for whichever contestants they wanted to get the kidney (i.e. live). It's all terribly like the Running Man, sans Jesse Ventura, and, well, everything else, but the point remains that I'm the best at making a Malteser hover over my mouth by pursing my lips and blowing like a true champion.

The sad part is, the three contestants really are awaiting kidney transplants, and did the hoax as part of a campaign to raise awareness on the lack of available donations, specifically in the Netherlands. Nice to see that people can maintain their sense of humour during the toughest trials of life.

Oh, and the picture was the first image result when I searched for the word 'ruse'.

oH nOeS!!!11one

2007-06-01T12:04:00.000Z

Cyriak

2007-05-31T21:04:00.000Z

Cyriak is an unemployed (still!?) Brighton-based graphic designer / animator. His website's pretty nifty, but of great interest are his animated gifs, which are great for sticking on your phone as a screen saver and making people go "oMg wTF!?" as you casually put it into your pocket.

So, the internet as a career launch pad... Why the shit amen't I famous yet!?

Iraq? No(r)way!!

2007-05-31T15:46:00.000Z

A recently published report confirmed Iraq as a dangerous shit hole and Norway as "le place du safe du le monde".

Of the 121 countries surveyed, the most dangerous listed were:

112: Angola
113. Ivory Coast
114. Lebanon
115. Pakistan
116. Colombia
117. Nigeria
118. Russia
119. Israel
120. Sudan
121. Iraq

All places, you'll agree, with the exception of corruption-riddled Russia, are stacked with 'los morenos'.

Coincidence?

Hardly........

Is Manute Bol hiding Sudanese crime between those chopstick thighs?

The iPhone is too poopular...

2007-05-30T15:27:00.000Z

Appleinsider are running a report on Apple's target share prices rising along with interest in the iPhone, which is nowhere near as exciting as Google developing an ass-load of apps for it.

Truth is, the iPhone will come out, it'll sell loads, prices will drop, and before you know it we'll all be using "iPhones", that is, slim phones that can do everything better than the iPhone but don't quite have that je ne se qua that Apple's magical device does.

I heard once that there was a pregnant woman on fire, and the iPhone put out the fire and delivered the baby while showering the woman with gold coins. True story!

Outcry over TV kidney competition

2007-05-29T15:11:00.000Z

Source: BBC News

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6699847.stm

So there's a new Dutch TV show where contestants compete for a kidney transplant. Now I know everyone's initial reaction is gonna be "Wow, that sounds brilliant. And not shit." but I ask you. Is it?

I mean really it's just gonna be someone faffing about and then going "Derek, Derek you can have my kidney." Shit someone call the plumber while I puke into the sink in anticipation!!

Surely they could have spiced it up a bit. Like what if one person got the kidney, but then had to defend it next week against another bunch of hopeful transplantees? And maybe they had to wager one of their own organs? Someone could go in just needing a liver and come out needing a spleen and lower intestine, but having 4 bowels.

Well until real life catches up with me we'll have to put up with this shit.

I mean to say

2007-05-29T13:46:00.000Z

"Gggyymmm"

There's a guy in my gym

2007-05-29T13:43:00.000Z

who looks like Sammo Hung.

I dislike Destructoid, but....

2007-05-29T10:27:00.000Z

They're spreading rumours like the clap about MGS4 on the X360.

It wouldn't surprise me. GTA was a flat-out Sony exclusive for so long, and it brought in a lot of casual gamers that wouldn't think too much of MGS, and thus a much bigger fan-base for Sony. GTA was THE most important game for Sony, and look what happened there.

We've already seen MGS on a host of other platforms, including the revamped MGS2: Subsistence on the orignal Xbox. So having MGS4 on the already popular, already successful X360 really wouldn't come as much of a shock. Capcom have embraced the machine, thankfully. I can easily imagine Konami following.

OMFG iTs t3H 4li3nZ!

2007-05-29T07:48:00.000Z

The Augusta Chornicle is reporting on DNA-reasembling organisms.

From the article, "Humans and most organisms can tolerate few breaks in DNA molecules, he said, but kineococcus radiotolerans has the ability to reassemble itself."

While the rest of you are arguing over crap like what colour eyes you want your child to have, I'm gonna be thumpin' the table shoutin', "GIMME SOME O' DAT WOLVERINE JUICE!", because, y'know, they WILL eventually put this stuff in humans.

Best Videogame Controllers

2007-05-28T15:38:00.000Z

Crave, the " All I want for Christmas 365 days a year" blog have posted their top five game controllers.

Make of it what you will. My own personal sentiments are that some controllers work better for certain games, and that the ~~PS1~~, ~~PS2~~, ~~PS3~~, PS3 with rumble controller is lame and kinda defines the term 'tacked-on'. In an age where 3D gaming is the norm, Sony still feel it fit to put the analogue sticks in a secondary position to the D-pad.

My favourite controller? Stick another anaolgue stick where the C-buttons were on the N64 controller. KERPOW!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Edit: Something like this? - Andrew

Second Edit: Actually would this be your dream controller? I like the idea of being able to analoguely pause a game. Sometimes i don't want to abruptly stop the game, more of an ease out. - Andrew

GYAR!

2007-05-28T15:15:00.000Z

The second pirates of the carribean movie was a bit lame. Gyar! Just testing thiws works

A girl in my class

2007-05-28T13:12:00.000Z

looks like Cat from Red Dwarf.

But a Japanese version.

Japanese minister 'kills himself'

2007-05-28T13:07:00.000Z

Source: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/6697329.stm

My favourite part was "Mr Matsuoka had allegedly claimed more than 28m yen ($236,600; £118,300) in utility fees at his parliamentary office, where utility costs are free. He denied any wrong-doing. "

What kind of utilities were they using? Gold-plated rent boys?

2007-05-28T13:06:00.000Z

r520 blog
see what good will come of it
we shall see won't we

Barry's cynicism

2007-05-28T12:59:00.001Z

Barry's been too critical of the R520! I say we vote him out! He calls it 'nonsense', and he says my t-shirt of the dragon on a skateboard with the words 'Hip- to be flare!' is 'uncool'. These are scathing attacks on our frinedship and sense of style!

2007-05-28T12:55:00.001Z

Keep the nonsense out of emails and in here..... genius.

The Punisher

2007-05-28T12:49:00.000Z

I forward the motion to vote The Punisher as new minister for justice! And not Lindsay Lohan!